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Oh, I’m Going to Get Killed Any Minute Now (Part 14)

Thppgrg(Also Titled: The Ongoing Diary of Thppgrg, Goblin Minion)

As ever, readers who are new to the diary, please scroll down a bit to where you see the Thppgrg tag. Click on it. Yeah, that’s right. Otherwise, if you missed part thirteen, you can just click here. (Art by Chris McFann.)

DAY FORTY-ONE

Can’t write. Hung over.

Also, extremely poor yet again—Mr. Bliss is just frighteningly good at poker.

Supernaturally so, perhaps; I have certain suspicions about his repeated claims that he “never uses” his at-will time-stopping power while playing cards, and that he is “shocked” that I would “even consider such a thing” and that he “can’t imagine how being able to stop time at will—and having mind-control, teleportation, and quickened wish 9/day—could EVER be used except for the noblest of purposes”

. . .

Like I said, suspicious. Although Jimbo seems convinced. I feel that this may place something of a damper on our burgeoning friend-hood and/or evil-mentor/evil-student relationship; must reconsider how much I can truly trust a creature older than (at least) two previous universes.

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Oh, I’m Going to Get Killed Any Minute Now (Part 13)

Thppgrg(Also Titled: The Ongoing Diary of Thppgrg, Goblin Minion)

As ever, readers who are new to the diary, please scroll down a bit to where you see the Thppgrg tag. Click on it. Yeah, that’s right. Otherwise, if you missed part twelve, you can just click here. (Art by Chris McFann.)

DAY FORTY

Several interesting developments today. First and foremost: holy crap, I just got paid.

It turns out that payday for the Exceptionally Evil Corporation is on Fridays. And that Dark Lord Tolkelheim, when he wasn’t telling me to burn for all eternity in the fires of goblin hell or wandering around drunkenly animating mindless undead in a haze of whiskey and rotten unicorn hearts, was also conveniently forgetting to give me my checks.

Six freaking weeks of them. And now . . . now I have them.

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Oh, I’m Going to Get Killed Any Minute Now (Part 12)

Thppgrg(Also Titled: The Ongoing Diary of Thppgrg, Goblin Minion)

As ever, readers who are new to the diary, please scroll down a bit to where you see the Thppgrg tag. Click on it. Yeah, that’s right. Otherwise, if you missed part eleven, you can just click here. (Art by Chris McFann.)

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT

Guh.

More toilet paper strung up in the haunted forest; additionally, significantly more flaming poo bags on the front steps of the dungeon today. These newest bags were “cleverly” arranged in the shape of a particularly stubby hand making a very impolite gesture.

Also, there is a QUITE unflattering drawing of me with Xs through my eyes and an axe buried in my skull drawn on the front door. At first I took this to be a pretty darn good caricature of Steve Buschemi with sexier, pointier ears, but a helpful note next to it, with an arrow, informed me that no, this was—technically—a picture of, quote, “You, ya gobo bugger! Imma git ye!”

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Oh, I’m Going to Get Killed Any Minute Now (Part 11)

Thppgrg(Also Titled: The Ongoing Diary of Thppgrg, Goblin Minion)

As ever, readers who are new to the diary, please scroll down a bit to where you see the Thppgrg tag. Click on it. Yeah, that’s right. Otherwise, if you missed part ten, you can just click here. (Art by Chris McFann.)

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN

Tuesdays. Worst day since Mondays.

So it seems that the previously mentioned theoretical prank-war has been officially confirmed. There was a chance, after all—however slight—that the flaming bag of poo on the doorstep to Level 1 yesterday was completely random, but as of this morning part of the haunted forest outside the dungeon has been heavily TP’ed, and there was another flaming bag of poo—this one significantly larger and stinkier (potentially from a yak?)—along with what appears to be owlbear-egg yolk on the door.

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Oh, I’m Going to Get Killed Any Minute Now (Part 10)

Thppgrg(Also Titled: The Ongoing Diary of Thppgrg, Goblin Minion)

As ever, readers who are new to the diary, please scroll down a bit to where you see the Thppgrg tag. Click on it. Yeah, that’s right. Otherwise, if you missed part nine, you can just click here. (Art by Chris McFann.)

DAY THIRTY-SIX

Monday. Oh, wow. Just . . .

Where to even start?

First and foremost, the new Assistant Manager is awful. AWFUL. Awfully awfulishly awfillingly SUPER-awful. Duper. Awful. Anyway, apparently I’m supposed to “work” while at work now. And to back-prioritize our synergy-disambiguations and, still moving forward, both game-changerize AND value-add the execution functionality of not only action items, but also item-actions and what might or might not have been “actuated itemizers,” which I guess are either a thing now, or I had stopped paying attention and drifted off a little bit mentally and might have made it up completely. And to wear a tie.

Not certain where to obtain one.

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