“Just imagine it!”
“If we could talk to the animals!”
“You can, master. Buy a scroll in the mystic market of animal conversations.”
“Chatting to a chimp in chimpanzee!”
“Or you could get a wand.”
“Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals! And they could squeak and squawk and speak and talk to us!’
“Oh dear . . .”
It comes up from time to time at our gaming table, often from our stubborn refusal to accept that Pathfinder gnomes can’t talk exclusively to burrowing mammals (which, with us, is the extent of their speak with animals spell).
The speak with animals spell is fairly evasive about what conversations you can have with animals and goes on to say that . . . the more stupid ones make inane comments.
Marvellous. What an opening for some occasional silliness at the roleplaying table.
“I can see the time has come for the teaching stick to be applied to your hide as a reminder of impertinence. Stick number eighteen today, I think. The one with points—fetch it.”
“Number eighteen, master, as you wish.”
Sadly, we all need to know the time, and even for those who dwell below ground, knowing the correct time of day can be crucial to certain arcane matters and astronomical observations. More than just humanoid creatures need to have an idea of the passing hours, days, and seasons, although the more civilized races have made an art form of conforming to time.
Here is a selection of timepieces—some crude, some cunning, some weird—to slip into your adventures.
Slavish followers of Kobold! It is I, the Whispering Homunculus.
You may recall the time I seized control of Wolfgang Baur’s mind, took over Kobold World Headquarters, and published my own book. How the kobolds wailed and gnashed their teeth in rage when they learned what I’d done! Too late! Too late! Hee-hee-heeee!*
But my irritating cackling is far from done! Because for two weeks in a row, Your Whispering Homunculushas outsold all three 1st edition Advanced Dungeons & Dragons core rulebooks on Paizo.com.
Let me repeat that at slightly higher volume: FOR TWO WEEKS IN A ROW YOUR WHISPERING HOMUNCULUS HAS OUTSOLD ALL THREE 1ST EDITION AD&D CORE RULEBOOKS ON PAIZO.COM.
This proves that Your Whispering Homunculus is better than 1st edition AD&D. Which makes me, the Whispering Homunculus, the greatest roles-playing game designer in the history of the world! Better than Baur! Better than Cook! Better than anyone! Hee-hee-heeee! Eee-hee-hee-hee-hee-heeee! I caper madly!
Curse that Whispering Homunculus! Yesterday he took over Kobold World Headquarters and wreaked all sorts of havoc online. We finally got control back, only to find out today that while the Homunculus was in charge, he used the Kobold presses to publish his own book.
Yes, you can now buy Your Whispering Homunculus in the Kobold Store. This wretched tome inflicts more than 160 pages of the vile, whimsical, disgusting, bizarre, horrific, odd, skin-crawling, and mildly disturbed side of fantasy gaming upon the world.
Apparently the Homunculus forced author Richard Pett to participate in his foul project. We phoned Richard in the UK when we learned what had happened. Sobbing inconsolably, he told us some of what’s in the book…